“There’s blood in my mouth cause I’ve been biting my tongue all week.”~Rilo Kiley, Portions for Foxes
I have the worst habit of not sticking up for myself. I was that way for a long time–pretty much my entire life. And then I swung to another extreme once I began to feel a little empowered in college. Before I knew it, I was always speaking up, especially at my last job. In my department, I was the one who spoke up while my coworkers just complained and gossiped. Like when my male boss decided it would be a good idea to date my female coworker and wanted us all to be ok with it. But it wasn’t ok, and I was the only one to speak up. I got to a good balance in the work setting before I left–the hierarchy and a much better new boss helped.
But now I am regressing back to where I was. And when the time comes to speak up, as it did this past week as I worked on a group project worth 50% of my grade, I doubt and question and wonder. I seek out other people as a sort of barometer to see if it’s ok that I feel pissed or annoyed. And even when every single one of them said it was, I didn’t speak up. It felt too late to do anything. It felt uncertain to me if I should still say that if someone who didn’t do their part of the project didn’t like how I did it when I stayed up until 2:00 in the morning the night before it was due, he should do his work next time and oh, bite me.
I found myself unable to speak when confronted with control freaks. I didn’t even tell someone it was not ok to call me at 11:30 Friday night and then again at 8:30 Saturday morning. I kept silent. I felt worse. Then I felt worse for keeping silent. And while I am over it now, because the entire experience is (happily, luckily) over, I do wonder why I didn’t say anything. I wonder how I went from one extreme of total silence to the other of not shutting up and now am in a gray area. And I realize I do that in a lot of other areas.
All I can do now is resolve the following: speak up next time, have faith and confidence in myself, value myself enough to speak up. So the next control freak who decides I am not smart or whatever better watch out. Cause I know better. I was voted smartest in my eighth grade class. And damned if I won’t live up to that.
You only get one chance to get it right in life. You might as well do your best.
Group projects suck. What does it prove? You can be pulled down by others? Pull others up to your level? What ever happened to letting an individual shine? Mediocracy (sp?) is for lazy professors who hate to grade.
Oh mna, speaking up is a skill I am trying to acquire! I think it can be really hard (particularly if you don’t have a Y chromosome!) to stick up for yourself and not feel judged or in the wrong ( I totally empathise with the whole seeking someone out to check your feelings are ‘OK’!). Sigh. I hate group projects ~ long live the individual, say I!
Cxx
I am also still trying to learn to speak up for myself! But I also feel bad when I don’t. I hate confrontations and I always try to avoid any embarassment for me or for the other person, but I am sure gradually we will become more outspoken, it’s either that or keep it all inside….
I get pissed at people not pulling their share of a joint effort.
Back at the University, I was working on a group project with two other women - one of which I knew, one a total stranger to me.
She sounded good on paper, like most people do, but when it came down to it, all she did was give orders and vanish. She had a job she had to go to, and she didn’t quite have the time to write her part, but she would “oversee the overall job” when we were done.
AS IF!
Okay, I’m not the most timid and quiet person, so you can imagine what happened next…
But I got an A, and she… well, she had to find another group to mooch off on.
Take a stand, but choose your battled. Don’t let people walk all over you, but don’t be me and bite their head off for the smallest things. If you find a balance, let me know how, and I’ll join you there!
I hated group projects, always a rough time. Great post Cheryl. It is interesting how we go through these phases. I am sure that you will find your voice again, sometimes though it is easier not to speak up, you know??
Scott
That’s right, Cheryl! You should speak up because you’re worth it. And if you feel slighted in some way, or that someone is stepping on you or doing something wrong to you, then that’s all that matters–and you have every right to stand your ground and speak up. (Now if only I could take my own advice…)
step on their feet and run like hell- especially if it’s a big guy with a gut named bruno
glad i found yours again
jessica
yeesh. i feel your pain - i find myself speaking a lot sometimes in class and then wondering if people are perceiving me as bossy, or bitchy, or a pain in the ass. and other times, i’m too quiet, or it takes me too long to figure out what i want out of an emotional moment, so i stay silent and lose out.
i think a lot of it has to do with how secure we are in ourselves? i could just be talking out of my bum here, but i know that if *i* didn’t care so much about what other people thought of me, i would be able to say what i needed in any situation and not worry.
i hate group projects though, for the same reason you talked about. (hugs)
it’s a gigantic learning curve, cheryl, and don’t get too hard on yourself. *i* for one am incredibly impressed by you.
There couldn’t be a more perfect quote for this - it captures exactly what say in the post and what so many of us feel, right along with you.
It’s hard to be assertive at all the “right” times, and hard not to beat ourselves up for our misses. I’m struggling with this, as well; is it awful to feel some sense of reassurance that I am not alone?
Like the new blog, lady!